What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
