new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
