You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
