Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
