I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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