Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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