no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
