Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
