call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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