Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize