There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
