I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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