I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
