I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
