listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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