get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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