Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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