is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
