covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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