everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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