And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
