i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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