I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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