so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
50% drunk capacity currently
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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