i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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