3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pants are for mortals
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
