People in love make me want to vomit
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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