omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize