Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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