i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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