how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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