The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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