I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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