Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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