Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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