I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
only if we run a train.
done.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
