if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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