pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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