he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
