Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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