i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
