Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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