dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
