They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
