The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
