I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
