Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
