My hand turned me down
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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