I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
