then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize