Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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