saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
