Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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