have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
