so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just cropdusted the office
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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