I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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