Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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