Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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