I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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