Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i came on her dog
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
